My Alopecian Roomate – Just a hairy guy living with a bald girl.
By Taylor Yellin
iving with an alopecian is a unique experience. Seemingly in an instant, their whole world changes, and just by nature of being so close to them, yours does as well. These changes for the most part are as simple as noticing there is significantly more hair in your shower drain for a few weeks followed by nothing, balancing a plate of food as you rearrange a pile of wigs to give yourself some table space, or that uneasy feeling of having white styrofoam mannequin heads perpetually watching you. Personally, I find the most difficult part is trying to figure out which wig is which when we’re getting ready to go out. Which long brown wig did she want again? They all look the same in wig bags!*
When Renée first began to lose her hair, I was at a loss for how to handle it. How do you empathize with something like that?
Is it enough to simply say “that’s rough, but you’re still beautiful!” or does that invalidate what they’re going through? Do you shave your head in solidarity, or is that co-opting their newfound baldness?
There is no easy answer. There are as many answers as there are patterns for patchy alopecia — the solution is unique to the person. When your normal is taken from you, it’s hard to find it again. As the people in their life, it can be difficult to navigate their feelings and to know what to say or do, no matter how much you want to help.
But I have some simple advice for all of you who have loved ones experiencing hair loss: Listen.
It is a fine line to walk between emotional support and invalidation, and in my experience the only way to help your loved one process this life-changing event is to listen — and I mean truly listen — to what they’re feeling. No one is going to know what your loved one is going through better than they are. If you’re patient, and understanding, they will tell you what they need.
It can be very difficult to grapple with the knowledge that you cannot fix what is happening to them. But just as we at The AloPeace Project encourage our alopecians to see that this condition is not necessarily something to “fix,” we encourage their loved ones to do the same. We, as supporters and allies to our loved alopecians, must work to change the narrative from within. Be supportive, understanding, and reassure them that their alopecia does not change who they are or how you see them. Their alopecia does not define them.
Even beyond the emotional, there are so many ways you can show your support to your loved alopecian. Even something as small as helping them shave their head every week can help normalize the experience. Alopecia can be a whirlwind of emotion for those experiencing it, and we need to do our best to make sure they come out the other end feeling normal, loved, and valued.
*This is not actually true, I’m just terrible at telling the difference between straight and wavy when it’s not on a head.
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